emo

as we progressed, i never could see anything.
us never really existed. that's why i never admitted.
i gave you your privacy.
yet you never let me in.
all those late night calls.
were just to hear each other's voice.
nothing more.
i feel empty.
then, now.
perhaps, in the future as well.
you blame me for not caring.
i do. but it's really something i have no control of.
ive never really cared for anybody.
nobody really cared about me then.
you did. you taught me how to care for someone.
i was never successful with girls. you were my first and my only.
so far? i think not. ever.
but i don't believe i got to where i was with you because of me alone.
i was desperate. you were too.
rash? probably.
but when i stopped calling. you found other people.
they are just like when i was there for you, when nobody else was.
you always have people around.
i just repel everyone away.
you probably wont see this.
its the only reason im writing it here.
if only i knew what you were thinking of.
you cant really let go of people you were with.
from your first, second, third, me.
i guess for you, life goes on.
mine just repeats itself through this undying time vortex.
similiar situations, different people, different timeframes.
ill change the outcome.
i wont question you on people you're seeing.
people who are nice to you.
despite the fact that you're ignoring me for my previous mistakes
i deserve it.
i have nothing to defend myself with.
people who enjoy spending time with you alone.
romantic, sweet, very personal messages.
delivered, back and forth.
the way we sort of used to be.
you just cant let go of me yet.
i tried to get you back.
you just dont want to get hurt.
but you just open a hole just nice for me to fit through.
but its still tight.
entry is denied.
i dont want to try as hard as i did before.
i get hurt too.
im too shy to admit it.
im not too proud about having a blog where i rant out like this EVERY single time.
from day 1 it had nothing to do with humor, or politically sensitive or anything but emo.
i just want to end all this.
why do we seem happiest when we were just toddlers?
wouldnt you want to go back to that carefree world.
risk free. under constant monitoring.
showered with pure love. without hidden intentions.
i know i try too hard.
i killed the real me.
stealing bits and pieces of personalities and traits of others.
being funny. sarcastic.
limits. is something i do not possess.
when i eat. i overeat. or i starve myself to a point where i dont even know what hunger is.
when i joke, i say too much. when people get a chance, they just target the vital points.
but it all doesnt matter.
i dont feel better.
makes no difference.
i still think. alot.