emo

i know you never really cared,
because you're surrounded by other people,
furthermore i never really deserved your company.
i feel inferior, but never really cared.
i felt like it didn't need to be an issue at that moment of time.
but after these few months,
i realised that whether or not i was there,
there's always someone by your side.
never on mine.
everybody cares about you although you try not to be like this.
which means whether or not i was there for you or not,
you just returned a favour.
nothing more than that,
we would still be strangers,
despite the fact that i reloaded my handphone in the middle of the night,
just to console your troubled soul,
but in the end, it doesn't even matter.
you will find someone new eventually,
everybody does,
somehow,
one way or another.
and the cycle goes on for me.
it's as if im trying to get married with some random stranger,
when all i want is just a chance,
to prove myself, not capable, but rather, exist for a reason.
it may seem farfetched, but everybody thinks that they exist for a reason.
i want it to be something worthwhile.
not an investment,
something that you can sell.
an eternal thing.
that lasts even through the armageddon.
and then i open my eyes.
a dream.
a nightmare?
im awake. i pinch myself.
again. i feel the pain.
it was just a horrible thought manifested in the form of an unconscious mind.