emo

2010-06-08T02:11:00.002+08:00

hear but not listen,

see but not perceive,

understand but not completely

2009-11-23T02:47:00.004+08:00

i want a break, a break from speculations, a break from observations, a break from judgements based on circumstantial evidence, a break from making moves, a break from convincing, a break from self-deception, a break from words, a break from severe allergic reactions, a break from being frail metaphorically, a break from not being intellectual enough, a break from not being able to relate, a break from not wanting to feel anything anymore, a break from a break, a break from lies, a break from life, a break from being intoxicated, a break from thinking of you, a break from thinking of us, a break from myself, give me a break. bye, interweb ):

2009-11-18T02:22:00.001+08:00

rashes. >_<
how. why. when?!
FA1!!oneoneone die ._.

2009-10-26T00:27:00.002+08:00

if it's so hard to maintain something, just back out. don't lie to yourself. don't even come up with words of reassurance. just continue aggravating the situations with "whatevers" as you always. if you're not happy, don't even try, just go.

2009-10-24T23:44:00.002+08:00

it kinda sucks knowing that things wouldn't be the same anymore, we knew that just before you left.
it kinda sucks knowing that i can't tell her what i feel just because i didn't want an awkward moment, which i had anyways.
it kinda sucks knowing that i'm writing this because i don't know what else or how else to say it.
it kinda sucks that half a can of beer got me good.
it kinda sucks that i'm fighting for something just because i didn't want her to lose.
it kinda sucks that i don't know what to do.
it kinda sucks that it kinda sucks.....

2009-10-21T22:58:00.002+08:00

when does one pull the plug?

don't like to read this? disagree with my thoughts? have something better to say? please comment. :D

anyways. some people change as time passes. for example. they show their true colors; just because they feel like a shit, they disregard everything around them. they become cocky with their mouth, and call names that they think is suitable even though provocative and downright insulting. stand back and watch? work your mouth? or maybe even some fists? >_> gtfo.

respect.

2009-10-11T23:20:00.007+08:00

sometimes it's not really about what i want, but rather what you want. if i subject myself to you, i will try my level best; although quite shitty a magnitude, to comprehend and fulfil your needs. thing with me is that i lose my virtues and not say a thing about it whenever i put up with you, because that's what guys do.

sure, it's easy to get in a relationship, but i want to maintain it and you're not making it any easier for me. ie, plans with me can be put on hold, while others come first, consecutively. it would've been a different scenario if it happened occasionally. you'd expect me to be there for you when you aren't there yourself.

it's chaotic yeah, but i try to subdue myself to your principles, no matter how much i detest it, it's a give-and-take thing. sure, you have a short attention span; so do i. so does everybody else in the world. we just have more control over those sort of things. don't do upon others what you wouldn't want to receive from.

it's simple. sure, my tongue slipped many times, and i'm thankful that i'm still able to please you. i guess i'm lucky because i'm funny, otherwise, i bet things would end differently. maybe it's a test, i don't care. i never once doubted any actions, i believe in a reason. apparently yours involve avoiding any sort of confrontation.

regarding the usage of the universal four letter term of endearment, i think that you only use it whenever i'm able to please you in some way. to tell you the truth, i'm only standing by because you promised that you wouldn't break me. you tell me about your wants and desires. ever wondered why i didn't have any?

"opposites do attract, although there are tendencies of otherwise. nobody is perfect, but i think you define perfect"

i can't ... Stop writing emotional, sympathetic posts. Stop feeling like a failure. Tell when to say the right things or the right time to say them.

i can Shuffle. :D Sing chinese songs. :D

i won't Let go if i can. Give up until i have to.

i will Persevere if i am able. Hold on tight until it's time i became dispensable.

i shouldn't Post this. Think about this. Lose sleep over a matter of this nature.

i should Fall asleep right about now. Open my books soon.

2009-10-10T18:54:00.002+08:00

in relation to saying things that you didn't mean or should say, what makes us human would possibly be this fact, that we deceive ourselves or sometimes maybe even others at the expense of a relationship, or another's humility; could've been ours.

we are really not happy with what we have. which in reality, isn't enough. ever. the satisfaction we derive from an activity loses its initial flair after consecutive executions of said activity.

which at this point, i can derive that i don't understand or possess the ability to comprehend the main body of this post, which leads to an ambiguity of literature? i noticed that one is able to increase their seemingly attractive nature through an application of perceived intelligence by using words such as, supercali-huh?-docious.

2009-10-08T13:23:00.002+08:00

you can mean everything to someone in awhile and nothing the next. it's just another phase.

although, i will always want to know what you wouldn't feel comfortable letting me know because that's the way things should be. i'd always be there but i cannot promise that i wouldn't leave because i have tried what i could and if you're gonna shut me out, i have other people who really need my reassurance.

if i were to write out a list of things that i wish i didn't say or should've said at an appropriate moment of time where we used to be talking on an aggresive frequency, i would if you'd want to know. if you knew the degree and extent i would go for you, it wouldn't change a thing, because you probably don't. if you did find out what i'm worth, you'd probably invest in something else.

the cruel fact of separation that arises after a moment of self-deceiving is no doubt, unavoidable, but regardless, is how things work genuinely.

on another note, this post is not meant for whoever you think you are because it's merely a compilation of words that had no meaning until i strung them together.

2009-10-04T12:52:00.002+08:00

DIU DIU DIU DIU DIU DIU DIU DIU DIU DIU DIU DIU DIU
4 TIMES WEH. I RESPEK j00.
di sini lah kite mengenang kata2 org melayu yg berbunyi
"diam2 ubi berisi"
kerana ia memang begitu... walaupun kebanyakan kali org yg diam mmg tidak berguna.

2009-09-29T23:22:00.002+08:00

from time to time, i do talk to people i have dated in the past. yalar, kinda sohai right? but what to do, make mistakes so you won't regret not making them, wondering the possible outcomes. anything's possible. so just by that principle, i've managed to emerge a less cynical person. :D

i'm sort of trying to figure out questions like, "was i a bad bf?" as we know, there's no right or wrong to anything we do, all that is needed is some justification. i guess it's part of getting over something for good in my case, letting go of something which should have been done with a long time ago.

anyways, things have been great; a lot less solemn, a lot less morbid. i'm in love with somebody who makes me feel the same way i feel about her. she makes me feel comfortable with myself and to some extent, forces me to be more expressive and public. hence, this post. albeit, my first somewhat happy post. ily <3

2009-07-27T02:25:00.003+08:00

every other time, you'd be wishing this never happened.
but, you wouldn't understand it if it didn't.
and if it did, you wouldn't want it to happen.
so why do events really take place?

2009-05-28T22:46:00.002+08:00

an update.
i have relived betrayal yet again.
karma works in various ways.
if you outgrow a friend, another friend outgrows you.
flings and tests. its trivial, but not mandatory to score.
will you ever hear me out anymore?
-----------
indecisiveness and ignorance was your forte.
mine was my commitment. i thought it end differently, but i couldn't let go of the past.
for now, i am its victim.
tomorrow, i am no longer.

2009-03-22T23:45:00.004+08:00

2009-03-12T22:50:00.001+08:00

bye-see-cure pow-wah11111
-wobble in the legs
Wo0o0o0o0o0o!

2009-03-03T21:22:00.003+08:00

i feel like there are messages that cannot be replied just because at that moment, there is nothing to say at all. it's like not caring. but, it's always the contrary. why do textblocks exist?

yes, i miss you to bits. best part, i can't really tell. you have a life. GAHHHHHH!!!!!!111one-hundred-and-eleven

2009-03-02T20:02:00.001+08:00

i think i rediscovered my solitude in jogging.
ahhh~ words can only do so much justice.
imagine if you were reaching someplace you really wanted to.

2009-02-23T02:01:00.002+08:00

maybe it was all just a fling.
it has to be.
the leap. i took it. a mere miscalculation or ignorance for the total truth.
didn't want to look back and think about not taking the leap.
if words could only describe the experience.
the appreciation. the company. the time spent together. the expectations that should never surfaced. the keeping up with.
the jealousy. the way she led when i couldn't. the give-and-take. the whole.
how does one preserve memories? it's just thoughts that lapse whenever you feel a surge?
i even started a diary. makes me wonder why. it's been in movies.
you can try anything and it wouldn't change results; it's probably been taken of another movie.
although it is quite similiar in nature to this, writing here.
i believe that we're close to an end in this chapter.
writing and typing. two different sensations.
the difference would probably be that you could shut your eyes right after finishing an entry on a book rather than wandering aimlessly on the interweb just because you didn't feel sleepy enough.
what am i supposed to write about here?
what's the whole point?
words that were a facade to emotional breakdowns?
i even dare wonder.
i've seen reports. and news.
literature. journals.
should i e-mail her?
yes, i do have a thing with multi-tasking questions.
however, i do not keep up. i can only do so much.
improvements. revelations.

of expectations and perceptions

2009-02-18T21:32:00.002+08:00

the moment it started, it was already the end.
i thought i cared, but i was too ignorant.
you inspire me.

2009-02-10T11:19:00.002+08:00

yes, this blog is no longer emo.
emo is just a word now. not a state of being.
(: dear readers,
thanks for the feedback and support.

vagueness

2009-02-10T01:45:00.002+08:00

so where is the line?

omgwtflah!!1one

2009-02-03T02:23:00.002+08:00

if i were to hold my breath when you say you'd call back, i'd be dead ages ago.

i have to get over whatever's not worth it.
yeah, i've been thinking.
but still...
i'll find someone better, someday.

2009-01-22T00:18:00.002+08:00

feeling stuck sucks.

yes

2008-12-30T01:31:00.002+08:00

i understand that feeling; the one where you wait for what seems to be an eternity
i also understand how it feels like when you're calling at the wrong hours; how it's like to pick up the phone and call another number (i was probably just another thought)
i am without

This blog is open to invited readers only

2008-12-19T18:00:00.000+08:00

It doesn't look like you have been invited to read this blog. If you think this is a mistake, you might want to contact the blog author and request an invitation.

2008-12-19T01:29:00.002+08:00

if anger could be measured by hitting a nail into a fence, and if patience to surpress anger equates to pulling a nail out of the fence. we are only human and are bound by free will and emotions. we tend to do or say things based on our perception disregarding the possible outcomes that could cause damage in the social circle. the nail marks in the fence would be visible; there are scars or irregularities in every relationship and these sum up to what the whole relationship is about. perfection requires imperfection. wood filler is applied in attempt to fix the fence back to its original state; or to a rather seemingly perfect state.

i just don't understand how one is to continue down a road where it's ends are exposed. you have already seen the consequences of your actions; just like how one would experience going over a pothole, although you have already seen it from afar, you just go over for confirmation or avoid.

it's true that life's like a road. however, at every junction there are choices you can still decide upon. there is always a choice. you only believe that you run out of options when you exhaust yourself of choices.

i never said i was right.

i'm glad i made the mistake i would regret not making ten years from now. ten years could be a figure of speech; it could be literal.

your actions describe a thousand things about you. even a short, abrupt reply could have been sufficient.

the remaining 5 days had been one of the slowest i had experienced. ever checked or preyed on something so regularly that it almost becomes a routine?

remember eva? there's no difference. everybody would be like an eva. maybe not now. but surely.

you regard to this as crap. but it's a beginning to a perceptual ending. or an ending to a perceptual beginning.

p/s: promises are not meant to be broken. although the saying regards otherwise. it takes effort.

ROFLSMAO

2008-12-08T11:04:00.003+08:00

funny thing is that if you really want to repent and start a new page, do not start with previously known acquaintances.

because retribution has a funny way with people. sorry is just a word. it cannot be expressed enough, or even at all.

i'm head over heels for this one. but i realised that everything might have just been for payback.

the leap that one takes doesn't end with a soft landing, or rather a proper. but how do we measure standards for a proper landing? hurt, half-hurt, über-hurt?

it's comedic. if someone you labeled an asshole beat you, i don't think anyone would even bother saying anything to the asshole. but you're nice right? ;)

i didn't leave, i just couldn't stand being there.
take it out on me, cos it bears no meaning anymore.
don't give false hope, i'd close my eyes to this nightmare.

if i was the sunrise, you would be the sunset.

the way things are...

2008-12-06T01:20:00.003+08:00

nobody has the opportunity to betray unless granted one
there's no nagging commitment
more time to spend on self-improvement
there are other things to focus on

the way things are should remain the way they are. (:
have a great week ahead.

2008-09-10T23:01:00.002+08:00

we search for who we really sometimes, not realizing that we are the portrayal of our being.

people tend to idolize one another; there are trendsetters (leaders) and followers.

assignments are so awesome, after suffering through one, when you complain about the current, complete the process, and feel like you want to go through some action again.

sometimes, i am disgusted at temptations because we never really like the outcomes of our desire driven actions.

the mind.

i hate relationships

2008-07-23T01:15:00.002+08:00

it always turns out complicated.
at the cost of losing someone you can relate so well to.
so the real question here is whether counterparts should complete you by being so alike or completing in other aspects unknown to.
it's not the commitment.
something larger than life?

life as he knew it

2008-07-17T23:22:00.003+08:00

he thought that life would be better after high school, always fixated on the worse aspects of events.
he had a party, he thought of the presents.
he went for a gathering, and thought of how nobody would stand up for him.
all he had traverse, he thought.
he was ready for anything.
or so he thought.
he wasn't. he fucked up just as bad as he did in high school.
even after his second chance.
friends. are only there when they need you.

those who are there whether you need them or not. appreciate them.
but then again, you don't know whether they're needing you.
so what if he trusted his friends, when they didn't have the slightest towards him.
he was a sitting duck, waiting to be blown by a shotgun, in the form of another duck.

what's the point of this post?
he wish he truly knew why.

tepuk sebelah tangan

2008-06-21T16:39:00.002+08:00

akibat fenomena ini

- kurang selera

- berfikir secara keterlaluan

- hati punah

LOL there's a conclusion behind all this. It sums up to nothing.

tub of water

2008-06-19T20:10:00.002+08:00

the tub was in front of him.
he jumped in.
and jumped out.
he forgot to check the water.

OUCH

2008-06-18T10:33:00.000+08:00

haha

2008-06-17T23:22:00.003+08:00

It's funny when it happens to you. I just managed to assure myself that such a thing wouldn't happen but it's so messed up it's just funny. Oh well, learn from mistakes.

wrong place, wrong time.

2008-06-17T09:13:00.003+08:00

20 Things to do before i die.
1. Play F.C.P.R.E.M.I.X. on the acoustic
2. Find true love
3. Six pack
4. Free running
5. Die a virgin xD
6. Find myself

#60!!!!

2008-06-16T19:03:00.003+08:00

hanging by a moment.

you can't solve a problem by whining about it.

WOO HOO!!
i almost made someone cry by being nice, i think.

i got a disease

2008-06-15T23:17:00.007+08:00

E-E-EE-EMOTIONALpresenting emoboy ern-z0r and emoboy g-k0r

i see a glint of hope.
but that's in the past now.
why did i betray myself?
lies were satisfying.
but reality set in.
and then it was gone.

love at first sight?
chasing cars?
cliche?

the worst part is believing something that might not be.
desperation? could be.

this stage..
i should enjoy being single.
why do i feel so attached?

i can be selfless. but does it bring happiness?
it seemed so sure.
haha.

oh doctor,
i might have a confession.
although its not a requirement under your profession.
cure me of my disease.
\=

suicide?

maybe i have not met love.
i heard first love makes best friend.
i want to rant. and be ranted at.
to learn how to feel.
to not lie to myself.
i don't want to regret not making this mistake of trying although it could not be.
what if i turn back and wondered why i didn't try?
will i regret?
and fall into another pit?
------------------------
i don't know why i want what i can't have just to throw it away, be upset about it. and repeat the cycle.
thinking creates questions.
so why bother?

upside down smile

2008-06-13T18:10:00.003+08:00

it's easier to let things out when nobody's listening.

why do some people make things harder, even though they're irrelevant?

is unwanted attention really everything?

jokes are easily carried away.

clarity is subjective.

presentation was intimidating.

i got mindfucked by BST.

somehow, blogging doesn't appeal anymore. short posts that remind me of alot.

especially choices and obligations.

Tag, You're It.

2008-06-12T22:42:00.003+08:00

1. Six People to Tag

Neng
Tim
Randy
Nick 1.3
Jessie Lem
Fatherine Ling

2. Six Things I'm Passionate About

F.C.P.R.E.M.I.X.
Foosball T_T
Dance
Pool
My resolutions, i think
Crushes

3. Six Things I Say Too Often

Meh si?
Don't TOUCH me anymore! ):
Why?
What you want?
Hi?
*profanity*

4. Six Books I've Read Recently

BST Lecture 6
BST Lecture 7
BST Lecture 8
BST Textbook
ACCA Textbook
Econs Lectures?

I stopped reading. \: what have i been doing, really?

(p.s BST = Business Statistics)
5. Six Songs I Can Listen to Over and Over Again

The Fall Of Troy - F.C.P.R.E.M.I.X.
Billy Talent - Try Honesty
Buckcherry - Sorry
Jay Chou - Qing Tian
Coldplay - Fix You
The Strokes - You Only Live Once

6. Six Things I Learnt In The Past Year

I cannot be satisfied with whatever i have although it's good enough for me.
Something is better than nothing.
I still want something i can't ever get or possess.
Nobody is really happy.
Reality is really just a mirage. Sometimes.
I should stop procrastinating.

Some people are Fannoying.

2008-06-08T15:24:00.000+08:00

it's funny how people perceive the way they are differently from what they project when confronted by others. you can't go around saying things like,"oh, i might act like this but in actual fact i am not like that." isn't it a little fake? so, what are you, really?

i also can say what. i might seem like i am gonna take advantage of you and in actual fact i am. but when it comes to the point of taking advantage i wouldn't.

i would be a very big hypocrite. in which this case, i probably am. here's the thing. i admit my whatever imperfection i may have while some people take the easy way out.

you may be nice and friendly as you put it, but people misunderstood whatever you did to the point that apparently, me and you are very close which we aren't so stop being what you're not.

2008-05-29T12:33:00.000+08:00

Choices. Coffee or Tea?

Sometimes you have to choose.

Water could be a substitute for both.

You need water for both.

Maybe there's a moment.

One for coffee and another for tea.

But you can't have both at the same time.

the end

2008-05-02T13:32:00.000+08:00

bright light at the end of the road.

NOT!

I wish

2008-05-02T00:00:00.000+08:00

rain didn't metaphorically bring a sad meaning.

(note: lightning bolt at windscreen wiper.)

i was this happy.
(i wasn't very actually.)

i have more real friends.
(who try rather then talk about it and wish you really could, but couldn't and you actually could.)

i don't have a tummy.
i am fat. ):

my night perspective wasn't so dull.

this girl (in yellowish-orange) is from monash.
her name is yan xin.
if you want to know her, you can contact me.
the girl on the right? so cute.
-----------------------------------
picture blog?! zOMG!
-----------------------------------
she paid more attention to me.
i didn't worry or think so much.

sometimes.

accomplishment-less

2008-04-29T22:39:00.000+08:00

an endless road.
the serene sunset.

i looked back. enemies, friends alike. enemies could've turned out to be good friends. if only i wasn't so choosy. i hated the fact that i couldn't get over people i went after. they just gave up trying to keep up with me. oh well.

everybody's crazy about building up their physique. what drives them?

i'm emotional and overly sensitive. lack discipline. motivation-less. i'm flawed. but there's something for me at the end of this road i travel upon. (i think.) \:

instead of asking questions that lead to more trivial, rhetoric questions that gives you more to woe about. what am i doing here?

trust is essential in a relationship. persevere and it might just turn out right. be prepared for any pessimistic outcome. experience makes us better people. |:

ps. uploading high quality pictures is a time consuming process. approach only when patience mastery level is max-ed.

oh ya, this is bryan. and me. tee hee.

Siti Khalida

2008-04-25T00:17:00.001+08:00

This is Siti Khalida.Today, she made me sad ):
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

but i was just joking!! xD

I emo not long after.
And after that, i ... won her in bingo twice.
(Psst... Off the records lah.)
-------
I love.

Tastes like crap.

2008-04-21T23:59:00.000+08:00

Ass kissing. Happens everywhere. I did it before. You did it too.
Shame. ):

Hartamas.

2008-04-20T19:14:00.000+08:00

Take #3

Take #2

Take #1

Sze Guan. Ernzor.

Kah Weng. Darius. Rafique Mat Tahir.

hail of methaphorical sediment

2008-04-15T22:51:00.000+08:00

morbid fixation on the opinion of others. it's stupid really.
yet, i still have that subconsciously.

emotional mornings you have just because you lack sleep.
a fight can start all because of a piece of candy.
or probably some papers that i forgot about although i allowed you to have it for the week.
please. i sleep at 12. or later. and wake up at 6. rush to college at 7 every freakin day. and only trivial unsolvable matters screws my head, my mood, me.
i feel like im in a drama club. all these overreacting i get.
just because i took crap from you people, doesn't mean you don't have to take some from me. it works like that. you give me some, you take some back.

stuck up. make childish provocative statements about people and mean it as a joke although it really doesn't appear so.
just because i know you for a year doesn't mean i know you better than someone who you just knew for a week.
i guess they were right about teh cliques.

hypocrisy you might say.
i'd say fuck your thoughts.
there's a limit to most of the things i do.
although limit would be an overstatement.
maybe i kinda brought shit upon myself.
haha. take the stuff i write here personally, you might not know whether i'm referring to you.
NOT.
i'm not really anal.
some people i enjoy disturbing.
i guess it's overrated.
double standard sucks.
if only i wasn't plagued by this disease.

unexpected twists in life

2008-02-15T02:46:00.000+08:00

its inevitable how certain paths and plots of life appear to be.
one second we're visiting dear ones. the next, we're trying to accept the fact that they're gone. forever.
an afterlife probably never existed. so we have to learn how to bid farewell. for good.
the afterlife concept was probably created so that we wouldn't worry too much about something we held dear to ourselves. like that pet frog that followed you in your pocket everywhere. until it went somewhere far away. your parents probably couldn't break the news to you. knowing how kids had tantrums the size of cloverfield.
we slowly adopted this as we journey further. its as if we're taking an alternate route. the easier way. the short cut.
we just hope that acceptance would come easy. if only we had time to realise when we're lying on the death bed. thinking back of the loved ones that moved on before us.
where had they gone? some utopia? crafted by the consciousness that always has something to fear leading us to believe in something more relieving. but fallacy altogether. not entirely true. which equals a lie.

i wish. in that many years of my life. i had brought some happiness. at least some.
as i stared at that blank, expressionless face. i saw nothing. the once cheerful grandfather that used to play the piano, amuse me and my siblings. now gone.
i did little. to compensate. for there may be greater sacrifices unaware of.
as time passed by, expressions deteriorated from his face.
any signs of recognition deleted. he could barely identify any of his daughters. my mother. not even his grandchildren.
for he once told my mother his secret to his marriage.
never fight in front of the children.
RIP.

farewells and goodbyes

2008-02-13T00:47:00.000+08:00

its part of everything. things come and go. good and bad alike.
the worst part is not even having the chance to say goodbye.
bye.

this post has no title

2008-01-24T02:35:00.000+08:00

its just philosophy wherever you look. people fight and debate to get their point out. its either yes or no. everything is define by the way one thinks.

as for now, i feel that other people are lucky to be in a relationship. perhaps i lacked one real one. i just try to make myself like someone. maybe thats the real definition of trying too hard. even if she doesn't like me, i have nothing to lose. because we're not entangled.

why does one push away someone who likes one despite the fact that one really wants to be involved with someone else.

puzzles. waiting to be solved. by the mind.

2007-12-11T17:32:00.000+08:00

its simply amusing how people are easily justified just by one simple action.
and how things can be read differently. as it is interpreted.
whatever happened to room to improve?
): it's easy to be hated. and to gain trust. it's almost impossible.

2007-08-01T21:39:00.000+08:00

being invisible is the best thing ever.
you could grope people and stare at them while they're naked.
and they won't know what hit them. (:

transparent

2007-06-27T01:56:00.000+08:00

no more

would you ask me out?

2007-06-27T01:30:00.000+08:00

to club?
to drink?
to shop?
to the beach?
to the movies?
to lunch?
to dinner?
to breakfast?
to paintball?
to foos?
to ...

am i even part of anything?
wait.. do you know i exist?

nothing. im fine. paranoid. think too much.
never a part of anything. no, its not okay.
im emotionally affected.

i wish i never exist.

2007-06-27T00:37:00.000+08:00

abt the girl i used to love? i guess love is inexistant. it will come when it will. im a dreamer. i dont like reality.

2007-06-26T22:18:00.001+08:00

people can be great pretenders sometimes. i was afraid she wouldve been lonely. so i asked her out for a movie. she just turned me down on the spot. and the best part is that ever since, we never developed. i gave up. i mean whats the point of forced entry? the whole concept seems so bullshit. its not like we never got the chance. it existed. but she destroyed it all. but why? is it me? nah, it couldnt be. it mustve been her. but what do i care?

sometimes when you ask an audience whether or not they can join you for something unplanned, be ready. ready for what? rejection, or acceptance? i dont even know. questions like are most likely being put forward to those who has been monitoring your blog. most of the time, you dont know whose checking you out. someone who cares? someone who wants to forget to care but cant? well, screw it. cos i aint being a fool anymore.

sometimes, actions are affected by words. khabar angin? thats about it. i cant stand it when rumours are spread sometimes. its like when its true, you just want it to be fake. vice versa. or sometimes you just wished you never heard. it might be about you. or someone who has a connection. sometimes, people backstab, people try to help, people want to hurt.

if only things were not so complicated. why did i have to crack my brains just so that i can try to find happiness? does it matter? does it not? why do i keep trying? why cant i stop? it started a long time ago. i moved on. countless times. its just stupid. but it never materialises. why i move on? isnt that a little not-loyal? i think, why waste time betting everything on nothing? ive had it since high school. form 6 girls. and then the working woman, old enough to be my sister, and a whole bunch of different people.

im desperate la k. i dunno whether its that big of an impact. but i just want somebody. desperation sucks. blogging about being desperate is even worse.

i mean look around la. everyone's holding hands.
but they say. you dont appreciate what you got easy.
i wish it didnt hurt. it didnt hurt to feel this way.
havent i learnt my lesson? with the lesbian? the addict? the elder sister? the depressed? the vain? the studious?
everyone is different. they possess a specialty beyond imagination.
i fail.
fail no more, lvl up. this is dota, its ro, wow, this is life.

2007-06-26T12:20:00.000+08:00

everyone goes their separate ways, meeting up was never really possible.

2007-06-24T17:02:00.000+08:00

it's amazing how people treat one another differently. as long as they find similarities among differences, discrimination is just waiting. starts out small. and then slowly, it grows.

equality is nonsense.

2007-06-13T01:24:00.000+08:00

as we progressed, i never could see anything.
us never really existed. that's why i never admitted.
i gave you your privacy.
yet you never let me in.
all those late night calls.
were just to hear each other's voice.
nothing more.
i feel empty.
then, now.
perhaps, in the future as well.
you blame me for not caring.
i do. but it's really something i have no control of.
ive never really cared for anybody.
nobody really cared about me then.
you did. you taught me how to care for someone.
i was never successful with girls. you were my first and my only.
so far? i think not. ever.
but i don't believe i got to where i was with you because of me alone.
i was desperate. you were too.
rash? probably.
but when i stopped calling. you found other people.
they are just like when i was there for you, when nobody else was.
you always have people around.
i just repel everyone away.
you probably wont see this.
its the only reason im writing it here.
if only i knew what you were thinking of.
you cant really let go of people you were with.
from your first, second, third, me.
i guess for you, life goes on.
mine just repeats itself through this undying time vortex.
similiar situations, different people, different timeframes.
ill change the outcome.
i wont question you on people you're seeing.
people who are nice to you.
despite the fact that you're ignoring me for my previous mistakes
i deserve it.
i have nothing to defend myself with.
people who enjoy spending time with you alone.
romantic, sweet, very personal messages.
delivered, back and forth.
the way we sort of used to be.
you just cant let go of me yet.
i tried to get you back.
you just dont want to get hurt.
but you just open a hole just nice for me to fit through.
but its still tight.
entry is denied.
i dont want to try as hard as i did before.
i get hurt too.
im too shy to admit it.
im not too proud about having a blog where i rant out like this EVERY single time.
from day 1 it had nothing to do with humor, or politically sensitive or anything but emo.
i just want to end all this.
why do we seem happiest when we were just toddlers?
wouldnt you want to go back to that carefree world.
risk free. under constant monitoring.
showered with pure love. without hidden intentions.
i know i try too hard.
i killed the real me.
stealing bits and pieces of personalities and traits of others.
being funny. sarcastic.
limits. is something i do not possess.
when i eat. i overeat. or i starve myself to a point where i dont even know what hunger is.
when i joke, i say too much. when people get a chance, they just target the vital points.
but it all doesnt matter.
i dont feel better.
makes no difference.
i still think. alot.

2007-06-12T14:08:00.000+08:00

pointless, i doubt the reason for my existence. well, it's always about bitching. everyone has their problems. but they never let it out at all. i gave in, and just blabbed everything out. all these secrets. burdens, as they seem, they're the only things im composed of.

inspired

2007-06-10T15:03:00.001+08:00

i can only say chemistry. i don't know what got me inspired.
was it the thought, the moment or just some undeniably existing force that can change even the most stubborn thing?
i just thought about the friends i have. they are friends. it's just that. i think i'm looking for more. friends to count on, who counts on you. but it doesn't matter. it doesn't.
it's just some problem kickin' in my head. i'm probably delusional, obsessive maniac. probably explains why i'm always falling for someone. haha. but that kinda ended. i don't really give a rat's ass about anything.
this is my rant space. and i feel like crap.

2007-06-04T02:08:00.000+08:00

veekay tagged me.

1) 5 things found in my bag
-emo cd
-chemistry
-stomach ache medicine
-pencil case (no, it's not patrick the red dog. even if it is, it isn't mine. FINE la, it's mine.)
-statement of entry (= (never leave home without it)
2) 5 things found in my wallet
-unused rm30 hotlink prepaid card
-student id (= (never leave home without it)
-rm50 (beginning of a new week)
-touch n go card
-baby pictures
3) 5 favourite things in your room
-bolster
-pillow
-handphone charger
-cupboard
-cd player (for the emo cd)
4) 5 things you always wanted to do
-study chemistry without going to asia club
-LAN party again
-sleepover
-achieve 6 packs
-caffeine overdose
5) 5 things you're currently into
-photoshop
-emo
-finding myself (by the emo cd)
-foos
-exams (chemistry 2 and 1 left yey!)
6) 5 people that you wish to tag
-tim
-neng
-sian yee
-alvin chew
-melanie boi

stripped

2007-06-03T00:47:00.000+08:00

everybody has got something good to post about. for me, it's the lack of memories i have. i don't know myself, i think sometimes. it's like, as i progress, im many different personas, projected through one fat, overweight being. i have a fat ass. they call me fat. i can see fat everywhere. fat fat fat. no i don't love myself thanks.

everybody's got something to say when they first start college, when they're going through college, when college's about to end. but for me, i don't see anything. it's just disappointment. lingering. since childhood. i wouldn't say i had the best time of my life, everytime i said that, i probably lied. i don't know what good times are, and i'm too ignorant to even realise when someone's hinting something.

stupid, slow, call it whatever you want. i guess it's just me. every other person seems perfectly fine with the way they are. i guess it's insecurity. but towards what? like i said, i don't know what i am.

it's dodgy. and everything flashes by in an instant. i always strive to be good at something. in standard 5, midterm exam, i got 1st place in the class. or something like that. and then i started slacking. becoming what i am. a loser. a useless bugger who wastes his parents money. observers would say others deserve my chance.

it's always excuses that's coming from me. i have this thought that i can never succeed in anything. which always is backed up by evidence, proof. very concrete. no matter what one does, it has to be consistent in order for it to be recognised. i want to be known by my ability. even if it means having the pervertest mind. at least people know me.

then again. so what if people knew me. im like an asshole or something. i repel people. they don't come close. ever.

if only i could forget.

2007-06-02T16:12:00.000+08:00

holidays, drawing closer.
if only i looked forward to holidays.
why can't everyday be a college day?

2007-06-02T01:46:00.000+08:00

reflecting upon past actions,
rash and done without second thoughts,
abrupt, foolish,
opinions are dangerous.
if someone says something opposing a thought, and you think you can do it,
it doesn't neccessarily mean that you will or can succeed.
vice versa.
stupidity.
membabi buta.

Once - Dealova

2007-06-01T12:32:00.000+08:00

aku ingin menjadi mimpi indah dalam tidurmu
aku ingin menjadi sesuatu yg mungkin bisa kau rindu
karena langkah merapuh tanpa dirimu
oh karena hati tlah letih

aku ingin menjadi sesuatu yg selalu bisa kau sentuh
aku ingin kau tahu bahwa ku selalu memujamu
tanpamu sepinya waktu merantai hati
oh bayangmu seakan-akan

reff: kau seperti nyanyian dalam hatiku
yg memanggil rinduku padamu
seperti udara yg kuhela kau selalu ada

hanya dirimu yg bisa membuatku tenang
tanpa dirimu aku merasa hilang
dan sepi, dan sepi

ulang reff [2x]

selalu ada, kau selalu ada
selalu ada, kau selalu ada

2007-06-01T12:27:00.000+08:00

NOT! not today. if i get an A for stats, Rudolph gunna buy me Rakuzen! (=
2 papers to go! June 13th and June 14th.

2007-06-01T12:21:00.000+08:00

emo momo momomo... (=

2007-05-31T22:35:00.000+08:00

for the first time,
it's nothing about how bad i feel about my current situation.
i feel like my efforts have finally paid off,
friend hunting.
it's not like i want to be an ass.
but i just turn out to be that way.
i just hope that this feeling lasts.

Aqualung - Strange and Beautiful

2007-05-31T11:19:00.000+08:00

I've been watching your world from afar
I've been trying to be where you are
And I've been secretly falling apart
Unseen
To me, you're strange and you're beautiful
You'd be so perfect with me
But you just can't see
You turn every head but you don't see me

I'll put a spell on you
You'll fall asleep
When I put a spell on you
And when I wake you I'll be the first thing you see
And you'll realize that you love me

Yeah
Ye-ah

Sometimes the last thing you want comes in first
Sometimes the first thing you want never comes
But I know that waiting is all you can do
Sometimes

I'll put a spell on you
You'll fall asleep
When I put a spell on you
And when I wake you I'll be the first thing you see
And you'll realise that you love me

I'll put a spell on you
You'll fall asleep
Cause I put a spell on you
And when I wake you I'll be the first thing you see
And you'll realize that you love me, yeah

Yeah
Ye-ah
Yeah
Ye-ah

2007-05-30T23:33:00.000+08:00

i know you never really cared,
because you're surrounded by other people,
furthermore i never really deserved your company.
i feel inferior, but never really cared.
i felt like it didn't need to be an issue at that moment of time.
but after these few months,
i realised that whether or not i was there,
there's always someone by your side.
never on mine.
everybody cares about you although you try not to be like this.
which means whether or not i was there for you or not,
you just returned a favour.
nothing more than that,
we would still be strangers,
despite the fact that i reloaded my handphone in the middle of the night,
just to console your troubled soul,
but in the end, it doesn't even matter.
you will find someone new eventually,
everybody does,
somehow,
one way or another.
and the cycle goes on for me.
it's as if im trying to get married with some random stranger,
when all i want is just a chance,
to prove myself, not capable, but rather, exist for a reason.
it may seem farfetched, but everybody thinks that they exist for a reason.
i want it to be something worthwhile.
not an investment,
something that you can sell.
an eternal thing.
that lasts even through the armageddon.
and then i open my eyes.
a dream.
a nightmare?
im awake. i pinch myself.
again. i feel the pain.
it was just a horrible thought manifested in the form of an unconscious mind.

2007-05-30T23:31:00.000+08:00

prom.
i have decided to try clubbing instead.
or probably just finish that half-empty kurrant vodka lying next to my tv, alone and probably pop that emo cd into that dvd player.
and cry myself to sleep.
(=
it's just a thought.

2007-05-30T23:08:00.000+08:00

trying too hard.
its always an issue.
extremism is never good.
it's probably due to past experiences that everyone doesn't seem trustable.
the one's i trust at the moment, i might not later.
but that's not the point.
i've decided to do what seems right.
like making jokes.
i try hard.
that a lame joke becomes a very bad joke.
why?
cos there's always a limit to everything.
and i just want to surpass anyone else.
foos, joking, eating, not eating.
it's all the same.
but now i know that a friend who tried to console me before,
was a total liar.
and everybody has their own comfort zone.
it's whether or not that you're part of it that matters.
what do you think?

2007-05-30T23:04:00.000+08:00

even when you're there for someone, it doesn't mean that they will be there for you one day, when you really need them.
it's important to know this. and that people who listen to you when you open up aren't really your friends.
maybe you were too stressed up, and released it on the next person you think might be your saviour.
looks are deceiving, never judge a book by it's cover.
people may treat you nice.
but if you never done anything for them, it's time to do that favour.
despite knowing you might be betrayed.
at least you feel satisfied.
karma is a fucked up thing, but it definitely exists.
sometimes you just lie to yourself.
time to start facing facts.
i try to make myself believe that i was never meant for certain things.
and fact is, i might not even be for it.
i try and try.
but failing is my strength.
i will continue faking smiles.
til the day i perish.
you might think that im okay.
but what do you really know? (=
fake people are all around. am i one?
i think not. my pain is real.

2007-05-28T19:22:00.000+08:00

rejection. my middle name.
it's like whether or not i pass preliminary stage.
i just fail. before or after.
i always say i wanna give up.
that, or i wanna try harder.
but i don't see the point.
if i fail in the end, every effort is just for nothing.
faking smiles. (=

2007-05-27T18:32:00.000+08:00

prom's coming.
and dateless i am.
when i first heard that someone liked me, i doubt that.
for i am failure.
and success is not my strength.
i was happy.
restless.
sleepless.
and then, she knew me better.
i know people who know me better regret knowing me.
everyone shows signs of that.
its like having a pet.
that looks so innocent.
but then it just destroys that first impression.
and then, i died on the inside.

2007-05-27T18:29:00.000+08:00

bitterness.
of leaves, left in boiled water to soak.
bitter. even words can't describe.
thanks to my sorethroat.

2007-05-27T18:20:00.000+08:00

liars. thats what everyone is surrounded by.
liars who lie. for good or for bad.
liars who lie just to see your reaction.
the looks on the faces, the expressions that satisfies them.
there are a few liars. who just lie and lie. and say that they're hypocrite haters.
but fact is, some of them really are hypocrites thyselves.
disappointing that i had once foolishly said hi. the first time.
it was an honest mistake.
one that i regret.
to an extent greater than imagination itself.

and then there's the bright side to life.
people who actually try to care. although nobody should be trusted.
i still trust people. because they care.
but then, they stop caring.
everybody does, but i don't blame them.
for that one time you cared, you brought me to life.
even if it was a smallest gesture.
so tiny, so minute, it was nothing.
to me, it was something.

2007-05-26T12:27:00.000+08:00

troubled.
constantly thinking of what normal people wouldn't.
this feeling sucks.
its like trying to ask a girl you have been following along, trying to know more abt her without her realising it, and giving up that good guy persona.
everyone gets impatient. somehow, someway, they just do.
just by telling a name, everything gets screwed up.
just because things never work out, doesn't mean it will.
some people have it all, but yet they just don't want some things.
they won't force things to happen.
but for me, if i want it, i won't ever get it.
what am i lacking?
is it the brains? the brawn?
what could be possibly related to this whole being, a loser. me.

2007-05-26T00:18:00.000+08:00

i figured that i'd feel like this all day long.
it's just that it's always there, when there's nobody.
i wish i lived in a more convenient place.
i wish i had closer friends, who actually care, and who, i actually know their names.
names. they're just used to address people. but what lies under the name, that's what matters. people are very hard to read. it's like a book, but with dangerous consequences.
well, i don't know how to read books. i give up reading books.

2007-05-25T20:20:00.000+08:00

its always a problem.
its never something happy.
the fact that life is there, but not being enjoyed.
its just the way it is.
and when people who fail are meant to fail, they will keep on failing.

im fortunate, in ways i dont see how.
but once i take a step away, i think i see it.
everybody's meant to be used. no doubt bout that.
but its whether or not you feel happy being used and using at the same time.
and then there's the awkward morning after.
would you pick a boring night over an awkward morning?

im always a hanger.
a cliffhanger.
its always hanging over the same things.
trying to hang on.
jokes, sarcasm, insults.
its always the same.
nothings different, just the people and the time.
the feeling will always be the same.
uninvited, not welcomed.

i just wish, id stop being insecure.
stand up for myself, insult to as i was, joke with as you did.
so what is happiness?

2007-05-16T22:08:00.000+08:00

WHY?
i treat people like friend then they tell me to shut up.
i treat people like friend, and i don't pinch their nipples although they pinch mine.
i treat people like friend, why i no friends? )=
is it i tohsuay? or that i memang no friends?

left out

2007-05-01T16:27:00.000+08:00

i hate the way im excluded from activities, the way im not invited to outings, the way people treat me, the way i am left out.

ive told this story a million times, and it will be my last.
i do not hang out with classmates. why? because of me, i suppose. since when its never about others? it was never about me (=
what are friends? i think they're nonexistant. people find me when they really need me. otherwise they wouldnt even bother. like smses asking me abt how i am when its really that they want a favour.

the next time someone asks me. its probably because you read this.

harapan

2007-04-13T22:26:00.000+08:00

ku tidak dapat rasakan degupan jantungku.
tidak bermaya lagi, hendak meneruskan perjalanan.
perjalanan yang menuju ke langit yang tidak dicapai genggaman.
dengan jasad dan semangat yang semakin pudar.
apabila hari semakin tua.
minggu berlepas, bulan mengambang.
aku hilang kepercayaan.
apabila di akhir hari, aku akan berpunyakan kawan.
yang boleh menjawab sahutan bisikanku.
yang berada di situ apabila aku paling memerlu.
apabila aku terperangkap di ambang kegelapan.
aku penat, memberi, tidak menerima.
begitu asyik coba menghulurkan bantuan.
tetapi akhirnya, ditembak juga pemburu, yang aku pernah berkawan.
dan jasadku, sejuk.

2007-04-08T17:04:00.000+08:00

My blog is worth $0.00.
How much is your blog worth?

2007-04-07T00:18:00.000+08:00

You Are 28% Nerdy

You're a little nerdy, but no one would ever call you a nerd.
You sometimes get into nerdy things, but only after they've become a part of mainstream culture.

How Nerdy Are You?

Your Seduction Style: Au Natural

You rank up there with your seduction skills, though you might not know it.
That's because you're a natural at seduction. You don't realize your power!
The root of your natural seduction power: your innocence and optimism.

You're the type of person who happily plays around and creates a unique little world.
Little do you know that your personal paradise is so appealing that it sucks people in.
You find joy in everything - so is it any surprise that people find joy in you?

You bring back the inner child in everyone you meet with your sincere and spontaneous ways.
Your childlike (but not childish) behavior also inspires others to care for you.
As a result, those who you befriend and date tend to be incredibly loyal to you.

What Kind of Seducer Are You?

People Envy Your Ingenuity

You're a person with unique ideas, big plans, and a zany outlook on life. Many people look to you for inspiration.
People envy your creativity and "who cares?" attitude. They feel very ordinary next to you - and they usually are!

What Do People Envy About You?

You Are 31% Peaceful

You aren't a very peaceful person, and you are at odds with almost everyone.
Relax! No one is out to get you.
Let other people make their mistakes. Their idiocy is not your burden.

How Peaceful Are You?

Your Learning Style: Enthusiastic and Imaginative

You are always up for an intellectual challenge - in fact, hard subjects are actually easiest for you.

You Should Study:

Advertising
Astronomy
Biology
Chemistry
Finance
Journalism
Marketing
Physics

What Should You Study?

How You Life Your Life

You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside.
You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think.
You prefer a variety of friends and tend to change friends quickly.
Some of your past dreams have disappointed you, but you don't let it get you down.

How Do You Live Your Life?

You Have OK Karma

You try to be a good person... well, sometimes you try!
While you are caring deep down, you don't always show it.
You're very focused on yourself, and others come second (if not third).
Which is fine, but don't expect others to focus on you.

How's Your Karma?

Your Dominant Thinking Style: Exploring

You thrive on the unknown and unpredictable. Novelty is your middle name.
You are a challenger. You tend to challenge common assumptions and beliefs.

An expert inventor and problem solver, you approach everything from new angles.
You show people how to question their models of the world.

What's Your Thinking Style?

You Are a Drama Queen (or King)

And the oscar goes to... you!
You're all about overreacting and just plain acting.
You see the world as your stage, and give a great performance.

And while you're friends may find you entertaining at times...
Everyone's secretly hoping that you'll just chill a little.
(But they'd never tell you - they fear your wrath!)

Are You a Drama Queen (or King)?

Your Five Variable Love Profile

Propensity for Monogamy:

Your propensity for monogamy is low.
You see love as a gift that you should give to many.
It's hard for you to imagine being with one person at at time...
Let alone one person for the rest of your life!

Experience Level:

Your experience level is medium.
You probably have had a couple significant loves.
And you may have even had your heart broken.
But you haven't really dated a wide variety of people.

Dominance:

Your dominance is low.
This doesn't mean you're a doormat, just balanced.
You know a relationship is not about getting your way.
And you love to give your sweetie a lot of freedom.

Cynicism:

Your cynicism is medium.
You'd like to believe in true and everlasting love...
But you've definitely been burned enough to know better.
You're still an optimist, but you also are a realist.

Independence:

Your independence is low.
This doesn't mean you're dependent in relationships..
It does mean that you don't have any problem sharing your life.
In your opinion, the best part of being in love is being together.

The Five Variable Love Test

feeling bad?

2007-03-21T22:13:00.000+08:00

everyone feels bad. seems like some sort of upsr grade essay. only less emo. and unrelated to your life.

back to the story. feeling bad. is part of my life. i feel bad everyday. i poke fun at the teacher and the other students poke fun at me. sarcastic fun. fun to them. not to me. i poke fun at people. they cant take it. they overreact. they cross certain lines. i keep quiet.

analogy analysis.
cashier and customer. customer yells at cashier when something is wrong. cashier keeps quiet. cashier is under pressure. pressure builds up. as we all know it. so, in this analogy, the customer is more of a reflexive person. who cannot manage anger. who is unforgiving. the cashier however. after one day of immense pressure build up, will eventually explode.

see the relation of it with me? i may burst out shouting profanities and shit. but its not who i really am. i may try to speak like something else. but do you really care about what i really am? do you care whether or not i do or not do anything that changes my life, in a positive or negative magnitude? would you be there when i need someone to hang on to?

i always tried without fail to impress any girl that i like. its like a small kid whose so obssessed with marbles, he practices so hard. trying to become the best. trying to impress his friends. his non supportive friends. his supportive friends. but at the end of the day, everyone needs an ass to kiss.

rejection. i don't feel existant anymore. would you care?